Abuse victims often have a hard time leaving their abusers. This is especially true if they have children. Abusers keep their victims under their control using many methods. One of the best methods is to threaten harm to the children if the victim should leave. Or, they might threaten to petition for full-custody if there is a divorce, or even threaten to kidnap the children and take them to another state, where the victim will never see them again.
The abuser also works to lower the victim’s self esteem. She* will often doubt her abilities as a mother. Because of her abuse, she will often feel afraid to try to live on her own, and have no money to do so, and she might have very few job skills. All of this works to the abuser’s advantage. It keeps his victim right where he wants her to be, under his control.
In addition, if the victim is a Christian wife, she may take to heart her vow to “love, honor and cherish” her husband “until death do them part”, even though her husband feels no need to honor or cherish her. She may be very torn about getting a divorce, and bringing up her children in a “broken home”.
I was once in this situation. I felt it would be dishonoring to God if I should leave my husband and seek a divorce. I also didn’t want my children to experience the pain of their parents divorcing.
What I did not understand was the extent of the pain they were experiencing being raised in an abusive home. I told myself that since our abuse was mainly emotional, they weren’t being harmed that much. Sadly, I was mistaken.
The truth is that while you and your children are living with an abuser, there is no immediate way to protect them. Tweet This
You might ask, “What if my husband focuses his abuse only on me, or we both try to argue when the children are gone from the house or asleep?” Children are amazingly perceptive. They know when there is tension between their parents. This will cause them fear even if they are not being abused themselves.
There are many dangers to children living in abusive homes that most people are not aware of. What follows may upset you, but this is important information for every abuse victim to have. Some of the following applies more to victims in physically abusive homes, but be aware that all abuse, whether emotional or physical will affect the children living in your home.
I came upon an article recently that describes the neurobiological affects of childhood abuse. Here is the link.
I will summarize the article for you here:
Any type of abuse that a child experiences can actually change the way the child’s brain develops. Some problems that might follow an abused child later into life are Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). (Teicher M. H., 2000)
Possible symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) include: prolonged sadness or deflated mood, significant changes in weight or appetite, insomnia or hypersomnia, irritability, difficulty in concentration and memory, and even the consideration of suicide. (American Psychiatric Association, 2000)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterized by emotional instability, impulsive behavior, abnormal affect, chronic fear of abandonment, and frequently includes suicide gestures. Depression is also commonly experienced by patients with BPD. (American Psychiatric Association, 2000; Comer, 2011)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) occurs only after a person suffers a severe trauma, which results in flashbacks, depression, restriction of experienced emotion, anxiety, panic attacks, avoidance of possible triggers, nightmares, sleep disturbances, dissociation, irritability, difficulty with concentration and memory, and hyper arousal including being startled easily. (American Psychiatric Association, 2000)
How does child abuse put a person at increased risk for developing MDD, BPD, or PTSD? One of the leading experts in the field on this subject, Dr. Martin H. Teicher, hypothesized that “the trauma of abuse induces a cascade of effects, including changes in hormones and neurotransmitters that mediate development of vulnerable brain regions.” (Teicher, 2000, p. 5 para. 3) In other words, when a child is abused, hormones are released in their brains that affect the way the brain actually develops.
Others believe that abuse damages a child’s limbic system, which is the part of the brain that controls emotion and survival instincts. (Spiers, et al., 1985; Teicher, et al., 1993; Teicher, 2000). When the limbic system is impaired, the child is predisposed to developing PTSD later in life. It is also associated with memory problems, chronic unhappiness, aggression, and violent tendencies toward oneself and others, which can also be linked both to MDD and BPD. (Teicher M. H., 2000)
Research also indicates that patients who have been abused in early life have difficulty integrating the left and right sides of their brain. The right hemisphere is responsible for processing and expressing negative emotions, whereas the left is the side that keeps emotions in check. This explains why those with BPD may go from putting someone on a pedestal to being over critical of the same person, seeing things and people in black and white terms, rather than in a more integrated point of view that both bad and good can exist within one person or situation. When using the left side of their brain, people seem glowingly positive to the individual, and when using the right side of their brain, those same people are completely negative. (Teicher M. H., 2000)
However, the neurobiological effects of neglect don’t stop there. Child abuse can result in a permanent increased levels of vasopressin, a stress hormone associated with sexual arousal, and lowered levels of oxytocin, a critical hormone in maintaining monogamous relationships, which could in theory explain why BPD patients may be predisposed to have such turbulent relationships that are often short-lived and intense in nature. (Teicher M. H., 2000)
All of the above points to the fact that childhood abuse sets kids up for developing depression, borderline disorder and PTSD.
No parent wants their child to grow up with long-term problems such as these. For many domestic violence victims, realizing the damage that the violence in the home is causing to the children will be the impetus to act to get away from the abuser. If you are interested in learning how to leave your abuser safely, I invite you to read my book, A Journey through Emotional Abuse:From Bondage to Freedom.
If you are in an abusive relationships, I will caution you. First, when you encounter information such as this, don’t share it with your abuser. You may be tempted to use the information against him, to tell him how wrong he is behaving, etc. I strongly recommend that you not do this. This will only put you in danger, and it will most likely NOT change him. Second, you should always make a safety plan before making a move to leave the relationship. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim. This is because your abuser does NOT want you to leave. Therefore, I recommend that you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline from a safe telephone at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). They will help you create your own safety plan. In addition, you can check out my blog on safety planning at this link.
Leaving an abuser is a frightening thing. Please don’t feel that I am telling you what to do. I can’t do this, nor can anyone else. Each person must decide what to do based upon the situation they are in. The best that I can do is help you with information so that you can make the most informed decisions that you can.
Your abuser may have made you feel totally alone in your situation. But you are NOT alone. There are many, many people who have been in abusive relationships, and are currently in abusive relationships. And there are many groups out there available to help you. Calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a good place to start. You can also contact me via my Facebook account.
Question: Now that you understand the impact abuse has on your children, what might you do differently?
Most importantly however, God is with you. As it says in Romans 8:31 – 38:
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I pray you will be able to feel this love of God as you move forward.
*Abusers and their victims can be male or female. In this blog, I portray the abuser as male and the victim as female.